The Showmax Roast of Helen Zille: Burn unit

Someone call the burn ward, we have a mass casualty event! Everyone at the Laugh Africa Presents: The Showmax Roast of Helen Zille was in the line of fire, from Godzilla herself, to panelists Loyiso Gola, Bongani Bingwa, Rian van Heerden, Zwai Bala, JJ Tabane, Mel Viljoen, Coconut Kelz,  Sizwe Mpofu-Walsh, Londie London, and Patricia de Lille, to hosts Trevor Gumbi and Tumi Morake. 

The primary victim, Helen Zille, is reportedly in a stable condition and has clapped back with the following statement: “Was that supposed to be a Roast? That was more like a snooze on a sunbed. The bots on my Twitter timeline do much better than that … I was promised a Roasting panel of celebrities, but not even Wikipedia could tell me who you lot were. If you’re wondering why I am here, it’s because I believe in community service … I know for a lot of you, this will be your first invoice for the year. You’re so very welcome.”

Stream Laugh Africa Presents: The Showmax Roast of Helen Zille now.

After further reviewing recordings from the site of the conflagration, we have triaged the victims and prepared a report of the most severe burns. Let’s get into it.

1. Trevor Gumbi on Patricia de Lille (referring to the viral image of the late ANC MP Tina Joemat-Pettersson licking her cup in 2015): “She was the mug that other coloured lady was licking in parliament (eeeughhh). If there is a political STD, she would be patient zero.”

2. Bongani Bingwa on Londie London: “Look at Zwai, salivating at Londie like she’s nyash potato. Londie London used to have a lingerie brand based on her own proportions. Now of course it failed, because the only other people built like you are Xhosa men.”

3. Mel Viljoen on Helen Zille: “And now to the lady who looks, feels and smells like genuine leather … Helen Zille looks like she has the same makeup artist as Chester Missing – her makeup artist’s favourite products are grout and Polyfilla.”

4. Sizwe Mpofu-Walsh on Rian van Heerden: “Please get a very good look at Rian tonight. This is the last chance South Africans will get to see him before he takes up Donald Trump’s offer of refugee status in America. We wish you well, sir.”

5. Patricia de Lille on Loyiso Gola: “You know he’s got a special project, and that project is called Unlearning. And there isn’t much to do about it, because he’s only got a Matric. What more can he unlearn – how to write in cursive?”

6. Coconut Kelz on Helen Zille: “I just thought it would be important to come on here and defend mommy, sorry, Aus’ Helen from all these allegations. For everyone saying Helen must stop talking about Black privilege because it “isn’t real”, I am sorry, have you seen the panel out there looking like the cast of Isipingo: The Need? And to the rest of the cast, sorry, I don’t recognise you, we don’t get Moja Love in the refugee camp. And just because someone denies systemic inequality, downplays white privilege, and constantly centres themselves in every national trauma where the victim is white, doesn’t mean they’re racist. It’s called branding.”

7. Zwai Balla on Helen Zille: “Rumour has it that Helen’s favourite movie is the first 40 minutes of Sarafina. Rumour has it, not me!”

8. Londie London on Patricia de Lille and Helen Zille: “Auntie Pat left the DA and she’s now the Minister of Tourism. She did a big one. You know when you see your ex living their best lives, smoking hubbly bubbly, getting flown out to Dubai, shaking their ass on a yacht? That’s you, Helen.”

9. Loyiso Gola to Patricia de Lille: “Auntie Pat, no! You can’t go from PAC to DA, it just doesn’t work. That is the ultimate selling out, Auntie Pat. You went from One Settler, One Bullet to (white lady voice), ‘Is there going to be parking?’ … And Auntie Pat, as a coloured person, why do you always ask stupid questions before you f*** someone up? ‘Must I kick you in your p***?’ Can you take this to the coloured community?”

10. Rian van Heerden on Londie London: “Londie studied jewellery design at UJ, and that’s where her love of gold teeth began. She has Fidelity trucks on her vision board. And when Londie asked her boyfriend about his infidelity, he told her, ‘I wasn’t in Fidelity, I was in the getaway car’.”

Quick and slick

Strike a match, because you probably have a friend you can use one of these great one-liners on:

1. Bongani Bingwa on Tumi Morake: “Her dress is like Esther Mahlangu’s first draft.”

2. Bongani Bingwa on Rian van Heerden: “Hello, Gareth Cliff-lite”. With this one it’s Rian’s reaction that sells it, because he looks like Bongani just rear-ended him at a robot.

3. Trevor Gumbi on Mel Viljoen: “Her legs go all the way up and make an ass of themselves.”

4. Sizwe Mpofu-Walsh on Helen Zille: “Helen is the kind of person who says, ‘Some of my friends are Bongani Bingwa!’”

5. Patricia de Lille on Helen Zille: “Her Twitter account password is WhiteLivesMatter.”

6. Zwai Balla on Bongani Bingwa and Helen Zille: “Who speaks better Xhosa? Bongani, you make white people feel so comfortable.”

7. Londie London on Helen Zille: “Day Zero began when she soaked her heels on Clifton First Beach and the cracks reacted like amaWeet-Bix (slurping noise).”

8. Loyiso Gola on Trevor Gumbi: “Gumbi looked at the script of How to Ruin Christmas and said, ‘I’ll do this thing twice.’ Skomota behaviour!”

9. Loyiso Gola on Londie London: “I was backstage talking to Londie and she asked me for my number, so I gave her my number and she said, ‘No, case number! Case number!’”

10. Rian van Heerden on Trevor Gumbi: “Trevor’s sponsor when he was in the AA was Solly Kramer.”

11. Loyiso Gola on Zwai Bala: “We’re watching your career and we’re like, “Eh eh eh.” Reality show, now you’re on a Roast. Soon-soon we’ll be giving Capitec account details!”

12. Helen Zille on Loyiso Gola: “He looks like he was built by two different construction companies, where the first one went bankrupt, and a bakkie builder took over on a rigged tender.”

13. Helen Zille on Mel Viljoen: “Mel has the intelligence of someone who was dropped as a baby. Again as a teen. And again as a wife.”

14. Helen Zille on Londie London: “Londie, I never forget a face, but with you, another part will stick in my memory … and in most average-sized doorways.”

15. Helen Zille on Patricia de Lille: “So kind of you to pop into South Africa, Patricia. Welcome home. You are the first Minister of Tourism to have taken that title absolutely literally.” 

Stream Laugh Africa Presents: The Showmax Roast of Helen Zille now.