4 October 2019
A Kenyan survival guide to a zombie apocalypse
With KOT and memes by our side, we Kenyans are a very resilient people. We have survived mercury-laced sugar (but time will tell) and mass looting of public funds. Hey, we have even survived the Nakuru cat samosas (dear world, don’t ask). Given this track record of pushing through even in the most difficult situations, I’d like to believe we’d survive a zombie apocalypse if it ever happened here. In case of a zombie apocalypse, here’s how to improve your chances of survival.
(For more tips, check out the apocalyptic thriller The Walking Dead, now streaming on Showmax.)
1. Stay away from Lang’ata Road, unless you want to die in traffic
We’ve all had our share of traffic snarl-ups to know that it would be the last place you want to be during a zombie apocalypse. Lang’ata Road takes the crown for its ‘legendary’ peak-hour congestion. Imagine being boxed in between cars with no way to escape when hungry zombies show up looking to score an easy meal. We also know that Nairobi traffic can bring out the worst in people. Imagine cutting someone off in traffic only to find out that they were in the process of transforming into a raging zombie. There’s only one way this could end, and it’s not pretty.
2. Avoid Mat za Ronga
Zombies may not be the smartest creatures out there but their senses are so heightened, they can capture noise from miles away. We all know that Rongai matatus aren’t the quietest matatus in the city. First of all, they have no respect for passengers’ eardrums when it comes to music. Secondly, they are the most pimped and flashy matatus this side of the Sahara. Definitely, not the kind of environment you want to be in when zombies are taking over the city.
3. Always carry a charger, especially if you have an Infinix phone…or a Tecno
Rumour has it that Infinix phones (and some Tecnos) cannot sustain charge for long, we can argue later whether this is true or false. But to be on the safe side of this fictional zombie apocalypse, you’ll need a phone with good battery life to make calls to emergency contacts and reach out to your loved ones – a dead phone will not get you the help you need.
4. Keep up with Cyprian Nyakundi on Twitter
Yes, Twitter boy-child activist and dedicated whistleblower Cyprian Nyakundi can be a bitter pill to swallow at time, but hear me out. What’s the first thing you need when there is a zombie apocalypse? Information, no? May I direct you to a certain someone with a penchant for digging up information and starting fires on Twitter. Keeping up with Nyakundi could keep you in the know about the zombie hotspots and areas to stay away from. He might even point you in the right direction of who is responsible for the zombie apocalypse. From there, KOT can go to work, even in hiding.
5. Beware the slay queen
Considering the circumstances, we can agree that a slay queen demands certain privileges and can be too high maintenance to keep up with in a a dire situation such as a zombie apocalypse. Trust me, an entitled slay queen is the kind of dead weight you don’t need in this situation. Plus, we have seen enough movies to know that slay queens aren’t much help when it comes to life and death situations.
6. Stay away from Gor Mahia fans or games
You are probably asking why there would be a football match during a zombie apocalypse but nothing, not even undead flesh-eating hungry creatures can stop a Gor Mahia match from happening. Because of the obvious hype, you might be tempted to attend one. Don’t. Remember zombies are looking for highly populated areas and a K’ogalo match is one of them. But due to their legendary stone-throwing skills, this confrontation could go either way. Moreover, Kogalo fans wouldn’t go down without a fight so that’s a plus.
Think you could survive a zombie apocalypse? See how the characters in The Walking Dead do it. The Walkin Dead S1-9 are now streaming now on Showmax.
Original African stories by local talent
Black & Blue S1
Black & Blue, a Showmax Original police-based mockumentary series, lands on 6 November, with new episode every Wednesday.
Ubuthe Uzobuya
Ubuthe Uzobuya delves into the lives of couples torn apart when one partner abruptly disappears without explanation. Stream from 29 October.
Princess on a Hill
Princess on a Hill is a compelling drama series that explores themes of power, ambition, and the cost of success. Stream from 7 November 2024 on Showmax.
Brasse Vannie Kaap
Brasse Vannie Kaap is a documentary about the iconic, game-changing 90s group who helped make hip hop South African. Stream now on Showmax.
Soft Life
Soft Life follows Owami who enters into the secretive world of high-society companionship. Stream from 18 November 2024, with new episodes every Monday.
Style Magnate
Style Magnate is a Nigerian Showmax Original following 20 designers vying for a life-changing prize. Stream now, with new episodes every Friday.
Subterranea
Subterranea follows eight participants of a psychological experiment, trapped in an underground bunker. Stream now, with new episodes every Thursday.
Nai-Rich
Nai-Rich follows five influential Kenyans, giving a glimpse into the glitz and glam of their daily lives in the entertainment industry. Stream now, with new episodes every Friday.
Soft Life, coming to Showmax
Ubuthe Uzobuya, coming soon
More Mzansi gold
Law, Love and Betrayal episode 7 recap: A violent eviction
In episode 7 of Law, Love and Betrayal, Ayanda and James defend a woman when she gets attacked and evicted by her landlord. New episodes every Thursday on Showmax.
The Mommy Club Sugar & Spice finale: Make-up class clashes
In the final episode of The Mommy Club: Sugar & Spice, Neetasha and Lenore defy the dare, and the twins confront them. Catch new episodes every Thursday on Showmax.
Empini Season 1, episodes 43-44 recap: The grenade
In Empini episodes 43-44, Ndoni is reassigned to Amahle and vows to protect her, but things take a turn when the girl is kidnapped. Catch new episodes every Thursday on Showmax.
Jaw-dropping reality shows to stream this October
Stream this stellar line up of reality series this October, from fan-favourites to iEmmy-nominated shows ready to binge on Showmax.