Youngins S3: Toka Mtabane on Khaya and Amo's relationship

Don’t break up with Khaya (Toka Mtabane), Youngins fans! While plenty of viewers have have been quick to spot the red flags in his relationship with Amo (Ayakha Ntunja) this season, we chatted with Toka about the deeply rooted attitudes to sex and intimacy that Khaya will have to confront this week as he tries to live up to his Season 3, episode 15 promise to Amo: “I want to be a better person…for you.”

What or who is Khaya modelling his sexual behaviour on? 

Growing up in the hood, there was a lot of unemployment, a lot of substance abuse, a lot of identity crises made up the social construct, so sex is often deemed as an ego booster, as something cool in the streets. Boys like Khaya grow up thinking the more girls you sleep with, the cooler you are. Unfortunately that's the reality. It boosts his self esteem a lot.

How is the reality of Amo disrupting the fantasy of Amo that Khaya has built up? 

Toka Mtabane as Khaya

The relationship, from Amo's side, was quite an impulsive decision. Khaya went in with the preconceived idea of, 'Okay, I finally got this girl, this is what is going to happen…’ And keep in mind Khaya is [sexually] experienced. He's been getting a lot of sex from Buhle, and he's been in relationships. For Amo, this is her first relationship, and she's trying to figure it out. So they are clashing in some ways, internally. With the real Amo, he thinks, 'Eish, I might have had the wrong idea about what was going to happen.’ The threshold where a boy becomes a man, you have to ask yourself questions that no one else can answer but you. So Khaya is stuck with that. What do relationships mean to him? Is it about sex? Is it about love? People should stay tuned for that.

Khaya told his roommate Sefako (Tabile Tau) that he doesn’t know what Amo wants – when she had literally just told him she doesn’t want sex until marriage. What did that scene tell you?

He is shying away from the fact that it [sex] might not be what she wants … for real! Growing up in the hood, Khaya saw these epitomes of these malumes (uncles), our abutis (older brothers; although abuti bae is a sugar daddy), the people that come before us, having these social constructs. He knows, but he's choosing to turn a blind eye on what he thinks he doesn't want. 'She said she doesn't want sex, but I am choosing not to believe that, because I want sex.' That's where he's at. He kind of knows, but he still sees the gap. And that goes back to his upbringing. In his head, that's kind of normal – to be up all night to get lucky!

At this point, what does Khaya’s behaviour reveal about his understanding of consent?

Khaya is in a really uncomfortable place in life right now, where he has to unlearn a lot of things, which is challenging as a teenager. He’s going into it with a preconceived opinion of what it [consent] might be and it’s kind of hard for him to unlearn it. Unlearning is hard! Undoing is not as easy as doing. 

Even with the audience, when you are watching it, it comes with some sort of edginess that it gives you, a state of discomfort, because you don’t know what this boy’s going to do. He’s got so much sexual energy and so much impulsiveness. It’s intriguing. We finished Youngins a while ago, so I am also seeing it as an audience, so I’m like, ‘Eish, what’s going to happen eventually? How is he going to cross that line?’ But one of the points of drama is to educate, so maybe he’s going to come out on the better end of things?

What does it really mean when you treat a partner’s ‘no’, or something like Amo’s statement that she wants to wait for marriage, as a debate?

Toka Mtabane as Khaya and Ayakha Ntunja as Amo

That is in my (Toka's) opinion totally unacceptable. When someone sets a boundary, you have no right to argue that. When I stepped into the character, I was not judging the character. I try to portray Khaya as realistically as possible, although we have contrasting opinions and views on life. It was challenging for me to draw that line. But it's a no-no. It's totally unacceptable. Boundaries are supposed to be boundaries, especially when you're in a relationship and you plan to share a life with someone. It has to be built on respect, respect for boundaries, and trust.

What does Khaya’s behaviour reveal about his sense of entitlement to Amo’s body?

I remember I was on set and one of my directors was asking me, ‘Why does this guy want this girl?’ And I was like, ‘This guy wants this girl because no-one else has had her. She’s ‘fresh’, type of thing.’ It’s an opinion people get from growing up … you want an ‘untouched’ girl. And you don’t know what it comes with. So Khaya is like, ‘I want this girl, she’s from the villages, she’s fresh, all the things I can do to her’, forgetting the fact that she is also human. She comes with a persona. She comes with opinions. She comes with a brain of her own. The dichotomy in Khaya’s mind is very deep right now. It’s a huge dilemma. He’s asking himself questions. If I could give advice to him, it would be to pay attention in Life Orientation [class] (Toka laughs).

What does framing sex as a need rather than a want do to men’s perception of women’s rights to their own bodies? 

If you view sex as a need rather than as a want, there is something wrong with you, whether you are a man or a woman. It means you are addicted to it. You violate people to get it. You have no boundaries. It violates another person’s rights if you see something [like sex] as a need rather than a want. If you attach that feeling to something, whether it be sex, whether it be money, if you think you can’t live without something to the point that you consider it a need, it’s a question of at what cost? How far are you willing to go for it? And it shouldn’t be like that. 

What would happen if a podcaster or someone on social media deliberately reinforced Khaya’s belief that his desire for Amo was a need not a want? 

Toka Mtabane as Khaya

When people put that kind of bigotry into the world, it puts them [women and girls] at risk because it creates a social construct that it’s okay for people to have leverage on certain things in a relationship where they are expected to be equals and share a life together. It’s F-d up! To call a spade a spade. It F-s up society because it tricks people into thinking they have leverage.

Khaya is on a relatively equal footing with Amo. How do you think it would shift the dynamic between them if he had the same goals, but was older and more experienced … like Buhle’s new boyfriend, Kabelo (Lungile Radebe)?

I think it would have been more manipulative. Khaya would have gotten away with it – much older, more experienced, more money, more means to make things happen. It would have turned out different, and it’s sad when it happens like that, when women and girls are put in situations like that where they have to compromise their morals and beliefs and be manipulated into doing this just for the pleasure of people who are of higher status, or who are more mature or more experienced. I am not a political person, but if the government really wants to fix the country, we must start with how people think. Because people find themselves in these situations, being manipulated by people who are much older and more experienced than them. They don’t know how to think proactively. And I am going to say this again, but not as a joke this time: Life Orientation is quite important in school, guys. Life Orientation teaches you all of this, and it teaches you how to dodge people that are considered predators. 

Catch Toka Mtabane as Khaya in Youngins Season 3, streaming with three new episodes every Friday on Showmax.